The Colbert Report
Welcome to the Real World, Obama
Season 5 • 05/18/2009
Barack Obama needs a few simple tools to join Stephen's conservative reality.
Yahweh or No Way - Father Cutie & Miss CaliforniaThe Colbert ReportS5
God wants priests to be celibate, and Miss California, Carrie Prejean, might be the second coming.
Caveman Porn StashThe Colbert ReportS5
German archaeologists discover a caveman's porn sculpture 35,000 years after he dies.
DonorsChoose.org DonationsThe Colbert ReportS5
The five branches of the military are in a tight race for your donations, and kids from the schools you're funding send Stephen their art.
Intro - 5/14/09The Colbert ReportS5
Donald Trump allows Miss California to keep her crown, the DonorsChoose competition continues, and Yusuf performs.
YusufThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen calls Yusuf a coward while telling him he loves him at the same time.
The Word - Tough CellThe Colbert ReportS5
Instead of putting Al Qaeda terrorists in our neighborhoods, we can send them to Dick Cheney's ranch.
Meghan McCainThe Colbert ReportS5
Meghan McCain loves the Republican Party and wants to save it from the people trying to make it more extreme.
ThreatDown - Charity, Casual Jesus & Robot TeachersThe Colbert ReportS5
The Christian Children's Fund changes its name, Jesus goes casual, and Japan unveils a scary robot teacher.
Intro - 5/18/09The Colbert ReportS5
Evidently, you can't leave prisoners at Gitmo, and the Christian Children's Foundation changes its name.
Sign Off - Internal ClockThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen's internal clock is telling him it's time to go.
Welcome to the Real World, ObamaThe Colbert ReportS5
To join the conservative real world, Obama will need a magical unicorn, a dictionary and proof that global warming doesn't exist.
Rumsfeld's Cover Letter Bible QuotesThe Colbert ReportS5
Rumsfeld put Bible quotes on his cover pages for President Bush because war briefings are a snooze without a little pizzazz.
Walter KirnThe Colbert ReportS5
Walter Kirn believes that putting Ivy League schools like Princeton on the web would show those attending state schools they're not inferior.
Intro - 5/19/09The Colbert ReportS5
Republicans find a way to make us love them again, and a Difference Maker stands up to the government.
The Word - I Know You Are But What Am I?The Colbert ReportS5
If the Republicans really want people to go against the Democrats, they'll need a name that instantly turns people off.
Difference Makers - Stephen KeithThe Colbert ReportS5
Government regulation strangles Tombstone, AZ until actor Stephen Keith fires back with fake guns.
Intro - 5/20/09The Colbert ReportS5
Torture memo author John Yoo gets a newspaper column, and Nancy Pelosi says the CIA lied to her.
Seth ShostakThe Colbert ReportS5
Seth Shostak believes that, unless Earth is a miracle, there is most likely life among the trillion planets.
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