The Colbert Report

Guantanamo Bay Office Closure

Season 9 • 01/29/2013

Congress restricts detainees, and Obama closes Daniel Fried's office charged with closing Gitmo.

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00:36

Intro - 1/28/13
The Colbert ReportS9

Obama fights climate change, tensions rise in North Korea, and environmentalist Michael Shellenberger discusses nuclear power.
01/28/2013
06:17

The Word - The New Abnormal
The Colbert ReportS9

Australia adds new colors to the weather map for temperatures above 125 degrees, and conservatives hit the fifth stage of right-wing climate change grief: acceptance.
01/28/2013
03:20

Rapiscan Scanners
The Colbert ReportS9

With the removal of TSA full-body scanners, America will never complete its national database of radical Islamic naughty parts.
01/28/2013
03:47

The Axis of Evil of the Week - North Korea
The Colbert ReportS9

North Korea calls America its archenemy, which is kind of a big commitment since America just got out of a 50-year archenemy thing with the Soviets.
01/28/2013
02:44

Gun Control & State Sovereignty
The Colbert ReportS9

State officials fight Obama's gun grab-o-rama by trying to outlaw the enforcement of federal gun control measures.
01/29/2013
00:07

Sign Off - "Tenth of December"
The Colbert ReportS9

Stephen glances over George Saunders' book, "Tenth of December: Stories."
01/29/2013
05:58

George Saunders
The Colbert ReportS9

The MacArthur Grant Fellow uses analogies to explain why he prefers short stories over novels.
01/29/2013
03:50

Iran's Space Monkey & America's Ape Moratorium
The Colbert ReportS9

Iran acquires weapons of macaque destruction, while the National Institute of Health retires 110 government-owned chimpanzees.
01/29/2013
04:08

Gun Control & State Sovereignty - Cliff Sloan
The Colbert ReportS9

The former associate White House counsel describes past nullification efforts during the Civil War and Brown v. Board.
01/29/2013
00:34

Intro - 1/29/13
The Colbert ReportS9

States wonder if they have to follow federal law, the war on terror persists, and George Saunders shares his critically-acclaimed book.
01/29/2013
03:21

Guantanamo Bay Office Closure
The Colbert ReportS9

The Obama administration reassigns the guy who failed to close Gitmo to a more cushy post: solving the Middle East.
01/29/2013
04:59

The Word - It Gets Worse
The Colbert ReportS9

Pro-DOMA lawyer Paul Clement thinks the struggle for gay rights has just been too successful, so it therefore must end in failure.
01/30/2013
00:31

Intro - 1/30/13
The Colbert ReportS9

Gays and lesbians advocate for same-sex marriage, the Ku Klux Klan makes big changes, and billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates joins Stephen.
01/30/2013
07:03

Bill Gates
The Colbert ReportS9

Microsoft's founder talks about polio eradication, information technology and the decline in childhood deaths worldwide.
01/30/2013
04:48

Non-Racist KKK
The Colbert ReportS9

The new Ku Klux Klan spreads its positive message the way any open-minded group would: door to door in the dead of night.
01/30/2013
03:20

Coming Out Benefits & Gay Rights
The Colbert ReportS9

Psychosomatic Medicine prints a study on gay men's stress levels, and conservatives have been saying gays should have equal rights since the beginning of this sentence.
01/30/2013
00:06

Sign Off - Goodnight
The Colbert ReportS9

Stephen says goodnight.
01/30/2013
04:27

Sport Report - Gatorade Chemicals & Chicken Wing Shortage
The Colbert ReportS9

Gatorade without flame retardant is like hotdogs without pig sphincter, and chicken thieves run a-fowl as wing prices fly high.
01/31/2013
01:10

Sign Off - Welcome Baby Sanchez!
The Colbert ReportS9

Stephen congratulates his wardrobe mistress who just gave birth to the newest citizen of Colbert Nation.
01/31/2013
03:22

Craziest F#?King Thing I've Ever Heard - Crows Using Tools
The Colbert ReportS9

A bird demonstrates higher-level thinking while Big Bird, after 40 years, still needs help counting to 10.
01/31/2013
05:58

Sport Report - Ads for Ads & Deer Antler Spray
The Colbert ReportS9

TiVo watchers practice fast-forwarding, and Sports Illustrated accuses Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis of deer antler doping.
01/31/2013
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