The Colbert Report
Guantanamo Bay Office Closure
Season 9 • 01/29/2013
Congress restricts detainees, and Obama closes Daniel Fried's office charged with closing Gitmo.
Intro - 1/28/13The Colbert ReportS9
Obama fights climate change, tensions rise in North Korea, and environmentalist Michael Shellenberger discusses nuclear power.
The Word - The New AbnormalThe Colbert ReportS9
Australia adds new colors to the weather map for temperatures above 125 degrees, and conservatives hit the fifth stage of right-wing climate change grief: acceptance.
Rapiscan ScannersThe Colbert ReportS9
With the removal of TSA full-body scanners, America will never complete its national database of radical Islamic naughty parts.
The Axis of Evil of the Week - North KoreaThe Colbert ReportS9
North Korea calls America its archenemy, which is kind of a big commitment since America just got out of a 50-year archenemy thing with the Soviets.
Gun Control & State SovereigntyThe Colbert ReportS9
State officials fight Obama's gun grab-o-rama by trying to outlaw the enforcement of federal gun control measures.
Sign Off - "Tenth of December"The Colbert ReportS9
Stephen glances over George Saunders' book, "Tenth of December: Stories."
George SaundersThe Colbert ReportS9
The MacArthur Grant Fellow uses analogies to explain why he prefers short stories over novels.
Iran's Space Monkey & America's Ape MoratoriumThe Colbert ReportS9
Iran acquires weapons of macaque destruction, while the National Institute of Health retires 110 government-owned chimpanzees.
Gun Control & State Sovereignty - Cliff SloanThe Colbert ReportS9
The former associate White House counsel describes past nullification efforts during the Civil War and Brown v. Board.
Intro - 1/29/13The Colbert ReportS9
States wonder if they have to follow federal law, the war on terror persists, and George Saunders shares his critically-acclaimed book.
Guantanamo Bay Office ClosureThe Colbert ReportS9
The Obama administration reassigns the guy who failed to close Gitmo to a more cushy post: solving the Middle East.
The Word - It Gets WorseThe Colbert ReportS9
Pro-DOMA lawyer Paul Clement thinks the struggle for gay rights has just been too successful, so it therefore must end in failure.
Intro - 1/30/13The Colbert ReportS9
Gays and lesbians advocate for same-sex marriage, the Ku Klux Klan makes big changes, and billionaire philanthropist Bill Gates joins Stephen.
Bill GatesThe Colbert ReportS9
Microsoft's founder talks about polio eradication, information technology and the decline in childhood deaths worldwide.
Non-Racist KKKThe Colbert ReportS9
The new Ku Klux Klan spreads its positive message the way any open-minded group would: door to door in the dead of night.
Coming Out Benefits & Gay RightsThe Colbert ReportS9
Psychosomatic Medicine prints a study on gay men's stress levels, and conservatives have been saying gays should have equal rights since the beginning of this sentence.
Sport Report - Gatorade Chemicals & Chicken Wing ShortageThe Colbert ReportS9
Gatorade without flame retardant is like hotdogs without pig sphincter, and chicken thieves run a-fowl as wing prices fly high.
Sign Off - Welcome Baby Sanchez!The Colbert ReportS9
Stephen congratulates his wardrobe mistress who just gave birth to the newest citizen of Colbert Nation.
Craziest F#?King Thing I've Ever Heard - Crows Using ToolsThe Colbert ReportS9
A bird demonstrates higher-level thinking while Big Bird, after 40 years, still needs help counting to 10.
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