The Colbert Report
Bears & Balls - How to Pay for Health Care
Season 5 • 08/03/2009
Taxing sodas and killing old people will pay for health care reform.
Intro - 7/30/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen can't start the show because his roommate, Frank, is sitting at his desk.
Kathryn BigelowThe Colbert ReportS5
Kathryn Bigelow's war movie, "The Hurt Locker," is getting great reviews, despite not having explosions and ear-splitting sound effects.
Tip/Wag - Man-Words & Movits!The Colbert ReportS5
Educators ban man-words from textbooks, and Stephen discovers America's newest pop sensation, Movits!
Sign Off - Taco Bell SpokesdogThe Colbert ReportS5
Taco Bell's beloved spokesdog, Gidget, is on a farm upstate, playing with other dogs that are dead.
MeTunes - Hit of the SummerThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen can't get behind current hits from The Black Eyed Peas, Jeremih and Sean Kingston, so he creates his own song of the summer.
Tony ZinniThe Colbert ReportS5
General Tony Zinni cites David Petraeus, Barack Obama and Richard Branson as examples of great leaders.
Nailed 'Em - War on Birth ControlThe Colbert ReportS5
The Fairfax County School Board nails a teen junkie for taking birth control in the cafeteria.
Dominic Philip's Book HabitThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen cures Dominic Philip's reading habit by sending him an entire box of books and forcing him to read every last one of them.
Intro - 8/3/09The Colbert ReportS5
President Obama finds a way to pay for health care, and General Anthony Zinni will wax Stephen's chest.
Bears & Balls - How to Pay for Health CareThe Colbert ReportS5
Democrats want to pay for health care reform by taxing sodas and killing old people.
The Word - Hippie ReplacementThe Colbert ReportS5
Soon America's grassroots people-power movements will be rid of the one thing that's holding them back: people.
Kurt AndersenThe Colbert ReportS5
According to Kurt Andersen, the economic and health crises give Americans a brief chance to get things where they want them.
Sign Off - Love Makes the World Go RoundThe Colbert ReportS5
Love makes the world go round, so stop hogging all the credit, physics.
Colbert Bump Cocktail - David WondrichThe Colbert ReportS5
David Wondrich serves Stephen drinks from the Great Depression and the Civil War, and invents a Colbert Bump cocktail.
Merry BarackmasThe Colbert ReportS5
Karl Marx takes gifts from Stephen to give to lazy people who don't deserve nice things.
Human WeekThe Colbert ReportS5
Since sharks don't kill that many people, the Discovery Channel should replace their Shark Week with Human Week.
2010 Midterms - Joe SestakThe Colbert ReportS5
Joe Sestak is running against Arlen Specter for the Pennsylvania Senate seat so he can bring health care reform to all Americans.
Bill Clinton's Personal AppearanceThe Colbert ReportS5
Bill Clinton frees two journalists from North Korea, but Laura Ling leaves without her delicious sandwich.
Kris KobachThe Colbert ReportS5
Kris Kobach wants to fight illegal immigration on the local level and reward the people willing to come to this country legally.
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