The Colbert Report

Intro - 7/16/09

Season 5 • 07/16/2009

There's a new way to deal with getting hurt -- Stephen finds it helps to be emotionally dead.

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Watching

05:58

Douglas Rushkoff
The Colbert ReportS5

Douglas Rushkoff discusses the downfalls of operating the world like a corporation and how to weaken corporate influence.
07/15/2009
03:48

Tip/Wag - Assassination Squads, Biblical History & Gay Penguins
The Colbert ReportS5

The CIA shuts down its assassination program, Texas wants Christianity taught in history, and two male penguins end their relationship.
07/15/2009
03:30

Stephen Wants to Be the Worst Person in the World
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen tries to make it onto Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" list by slapping a baby with a puppy.
07/15/2009
00:23

Intro - 7/15/09
The Colbert ReportS5

There's bad news for people with target-shaped birthmarks, and Douglas Rushkoff lets Jews and Freemasons off the hook.
07/15/2009
00:13

Sign Off - No Man Is a Failure
The Colbert ReportS5

No man is a failure who has friends, unless his friends are failures.
07/15/2009
05:16

The Word - Neutral Man's Burden
The Colbert ReportS5

Sonia Sotomayor's personal background should be neutralized the way Band-Aids were when they reached out to minorities.
07/16/2009
03:14

The Memy Awards
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen announces the nominees for the Memy Awards' one and only category: Outstanding Individual.
07/16/2009
04:45

Edmund Andrews
The Colbert ReportS5

Edmund Andrews explains how he fell victim to the mortgage crisis as a New York Times economics reporter.
07/16/2009
05:28

Cheating Death - Diabetes Dogs, Chocolate Milk & Swearing in Pain
The Colbert ReportS5

Dogs help fight diabetes, chocolate milk replaces sports drinks, and swearing after an injury alleviates pain.
07/16/2009
00:14

Sign Off - Stephen Wins
The Colbert ReportS5

If you've had half as much fun watching the show as Stephen has had doing it, then he's had twice as much fun.
07/16/2009
00:34

Intro - 7/16/09
The Colbert ReportS5

Stephen is emotionally dead inside, and Ed Andrews should write about teen vampires if he wants to get out of debt.
07/16/2009
02:27

Walter Cronkite Remembered
The Colbert ReportS5

Walter Cronkite's passing doesn't get the kind of cable news attention Stephen believes it deserves.
07/20/2009
00:04

Sign Off - Goodnight
The Colbert ReportS5

That's it for The Report.
07/20/2009
05:20

Sport Report - Jessica Simpson, Olympic Brothel & Bud Light
The Colbert ReportS5

Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson, an Olympic hopeful opens a brothel, and Stephen loves the taste of Bud Light.
07/20/2009
03:57

Reverse Racism - Geoffrey Canada
The Colbert ReportS5

Geoffrey Canada can't find any area where white men are being disproportionately victimized.
07/20/2009
05:14

Bob Park
The Colbert ReportS5

Bob Park doesn't understand why humans need go to space when robots can do a better job.
07/20/2009
02:58

Reverse Racism
The Colbert ReportS5

As a recent black man, Stephen looks forward to hearing President Obama's NAACP speech.
07/20/2009
03:31

The Word - A Perfect World
The Colbert ReportS5

Investigating prisoner abuse will be a political food fight, and that is messier than torture.
07/21/2009
06:44

Better Know a Lobby - Acorn
The Colbert ReportS5

Acorn's chief community organizer, Bertha Lewis, needs to know the number of Stephen's sexual partners for her census form.
07/21/2009
00:16

Sign Off - Stephen's Chip
The Colbert ReportS5

The opinions expressed tonight are exclusively Stephen's -- the chip in his head only makes suggestions.
07/21/2009
06:16

Aaron Carroll
The Colbert ReportS5

Aaron Carroll believes the single-payer system will cost less, cover everyone and lead to better outcomes.
07/21/2009
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