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The Colbert Report
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The Colbert Report
Intro - 7/16/09
Season 5 • 07/16/2009
There's a new way to deal with getting hurt -- Stephen finds it helps to be emotionally dead.
More
Watching
05:58
Douglas Rushkoff
The Colbert Report
S5
Douglas Rushkoff discusses the downfalls of operating the world like a corporation and how to weaken corporate influence.
07/15/2009
03:48
Tip/Wag - Assassination Squads, Biblical History & Gay Penguins
The Colbert Report
S5
The CIA shuts down its assassination program, Texas wants Christianity taught in history, and two male penguins end their relationship.
07/15/2009
03:30
Stephen Wants to Be the Worst Person in the World
The Colbert Report
S5
Stephen tries to make it onto Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" list by slapping a baby with a puppy.
07/15/2009
00:23
Intro - 7/15/09
The Colbert Report
S5
There's bad news for people with target-shaped birthmarks, and Douglas Rushkoff lets Jews and Freemasons off the hook.
07/15/2009
00:13
Sign Off - No Man Is a Failure
The Colbert Report
S5
No man is a failure who has friends, unless his friends are failures.
07/15/2009
05:16
The Word - Neutral Man's Burden
The Colbert Report
S5
Sonia Sotomayor's personal background should be neutralized the way Band-Aids were when they reached out to minorities.
07/16/2009
03:14
The Memy Awards
The Colbert Report
S5
Stephen announces the nominees for the Memy Awards' one and only category: Outstanding Individual.
07/16/2009
04:45
Edmund Andrews
The Colbert Report
S5
Edmund Andrews explains how he fell victim to the mortgage crisis as a New York Times economics reporter.
07/16/2009
05:28
Cheating Death - Diabetes Dogs, Chocolate Milk & Swearing in Pain
The Colbert Report
S5
Dogs help fight diabetes, chocolate milk replaces sports drinks, and swearing after an injury alleviates pain.
07/16/2009
00:14
Sign Off - Stephen Wins
The Colbert Report
S5
If you've had half as much fun watching the show as Stephen has had doing it, then he's had twice as much fun.
07/16/2009
00:34
Intro - 7/16/09
The Colbert Report
S5
Stephen is emotionally dead inside, and Ed Andrews should write about teen vampires if he wants to get out of debt.
07/16/2009
02:27
Walter Cronkite Remembered
The Colbert Report
S5
Walter Cronkite's passing doesn't get the kind of cable news attention Stephen believes it deserves.
07/20/2009
00:04
Sign Off - Goodnight
The Colbert Report
S5
That's it for The Report.
07/20/2009
05:20
Sport Report - Jessica Simpson, Olympic Brothel & Bud Light
The Colbert Report
S5
Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson, an Olympic hopeful opens a brothel, and Stephen loves the taste of Bud Light.
07/20/2009
03:57
Reverse Racism - Geoffrey Canada
The Colbert Report
S5
Geoffrey Canada can't find any area where white men are being disproportionately victimized.
07/20/2009
05:14
Bob Park
The Colbert Report
S5
Bob Park doesn't understand why humans need go to space when robots can do a better job.
07/20/2009
02:58
Reverse Racism
The Colbert Report
S5
As a recent black man, Stephen looks forward to hearing President Obama's NAACP speech.
07/20/2009
03:31
The Word - A Perfect World
The Colbert Report
S5
Investigating prisoner abuse will be a political food fight, and that is messier than torture.
07/21/2009
06:44
Better Know a Lobby - Acorn
The Colbert Report
S5
Acorn's chief community organizer, Bertha Lewis, needs to know the number of Stephen's sexual partners for her census form.
07/21/2009
00:16
Sign Off - Stephen's Chip
The Colbert Report
S5
The opinions expressed tonight are exclusively Stephen's -- the chip in his head only makes suggestions.
07/21/2009
06:16
Aaron Carroll
The Colbert Report
S5
Aaron Carroll believes the single-payer system will cost less, cover everyone and lead to better outcomes.
07/21/2009
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Cursed Friends
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10/10/2022
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01:22
Out of Office Explores Remote Work Absurdity
Out of Office
A young woman experiences the bizarre extremes of working from home in the film Out of Office, starring Milana Vayntrub, Ken Jeong, Jay Pharoah, Cheri Oteri, Jason Alexander and more.
09/19/2022
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A Front Row Seat to South Park The 25th Anniversary Concert
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S25
Sing along to silly songs and classic symphonies from the show on South Park The 25th Anniversary Concert, premiering August 13 at 10/9c.
07/27/2022