The Colbert Report
Intro - 7/16/09
Season 5 • 07/16/2009
There's a new way to deal with getting hurt -- Stephen finds it helps to be emotionally dead.
The Colbert ReportS5 Douglas Rushkoff
Douglas Rushkoff discusses the downfalls of operating the world like a corporation and how to weaken corporate influence.
The Colbert ReportS5 Tip/Wag - Assassination Squads, Biblical History & Gay Penguins
The CIA shuts down its assassination program, Texas wants Christianity taught in history, and two male penguins end their relationship.
The Colbert ReportS5 Stephen Wants to Be the Worst Person in the World
Stephen tries to make it onto Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" list by slapping a baby with a puppy.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 7/15/09
There's bad news for people with target-shaped birthmarks, and Douglas Rushkoff lets Jews and Freemasons off the hook.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - No Man Is a Failure
No man is a failure who has friends, unless his friends are failures.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Word - Neutral Man's Burden
Sonia Sotomayor's personal background should be neutralized the way Band-Aids were when they reached out to minorities.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Memy Awards
Stephen announces the nominees for the Memy Awards' one and only category: Outstanding Individual.
The Colbert ReportS5 Edmund Andrews
Edmund Andrews explains how he fell victim to the mortgage crisis as a New York Times economics reporter.
The Colbert ReportS5 Cheating Death - Diabetes Dogs, Chocolate Milk & Swearing in Pain
Dogs help fight diabetes, chocolate milk replaces sports drinks, and swearing after an injury alleviates pain.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Stephen Wins
If you've had half as much fun watching the show as Stephen has had doing it, then he's had twice as much fun.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 7/16/09
Stephen is emotionally dead inside, and Ed Andrews should write about teen vampires if he wants to get out of debt.
The Colbert ReportS5 Walter Cronkite Remembered
Walter Cronkite's passing doesn't get the kind of cable news attention Stephen believes it deserves.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sport Report - Jessica Simpson, Olympic Brothel & Bud Light
Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson, an Olympic hopeful opens a brothel, and Stephen loves the taste of Bud Light.
The Colbert ReportS5 Reverse Racism - Geoffrey Canada
Geoffrey Canada can't find any area where white men are being disproportionately victimized.
The Colbert ReportS5 Bob Park
Bob Park doesn't understand why humans need go to space when robots can do a better job.
The Colbert ReportS5 Reverse Racism
As a recent black man, Stephen looks forward to hearing President Obama's NAACP speech.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Word - A Perfect World
Investigating prisoner abuse will be a political food fight, and that is messier than torture.
The Colbert ReportS5 Better Know a Lobby - Acorn
Acorn's chief community organizer, Bertha Lewis, needs to know the number of Stephen's sexual partners for her census form.
The Colbert ReportS5 Sign Off - Stephen's Chip
The opinions expressed tonight are exclusively Stephen's -- the chip in his head only makes suggestions.
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