The Colbert Report
Intro - 7/16/09
Season 5 • 07/16/2009
There's a new way to deal with getting hurt -- Stephen finds it helps to be emotionally dead.
Douglas RushkoffThe Colbert ReportS5
Douglas Rushkoff discusses the downfalls of operating the world like a corporation and how to weaken corporate influence.
Tip/Wag - Assassination Squads, Biblical History & Gay PenguinsThe Colbert ReportS5
The CIA shuts down its assassination program, Texas wants Christianity taught in history, and two male penguins end their relationship.
Stephen Wants to Be the Worst Person in the WorldThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen tries to make it onto Keith Olbermann's "Worst Person in the World" list by slapping a baby with a puppy.
Intro - 7/15/09The Colbert ReportS5
There's bad news for people with target-shaped birthmarks, and Douglas Rushkoff lets Jews and Freemasons off the hook.
Sign Off - No Man Is a FailureThe Colbert ReportS5
No man is a failure who has friends, unless his friends are failures.
The Word - Neutral Man's BurdenThe Colbert ReportS5
Sonia Sotomayor's personal background should be neutralized the way Band-Aids were when they reached out to minorities.
The Memy AwardsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen announces the nominees for the Memy Awards' one and only category: Outstanding Individual.
Edmund AndrewsThe Colbert ReportS5
Edmund Andrews explains how he fell victim to the mortgage crisis as a New York Times economics reporter.
Cheating Death - Diabetes Dogs, Chocolate Milk & Swearing in PainThe Colbert ReportS5
Dogs help fight diabetes, chocolate milk replaces sports drinks, and swearing after an injury alleviates pain.
Sign Off - Stephen WinsThe Colbert ReportS5
If you've had half as much fun watching the show as Stephen has had doing it, then he's had twice as much fun.
Intro - 7/16/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen is emotionally dead inside, and Ed Andrews should write about teen vampires if he wants to get out of debt.
Walter Cronkite RememberedThe Colbert ReportS5
Walter Cronkite's passing doesn't get the kind of cable news attention Stephen believes it deserves.
Sport Report - Jessica Simpson, Olympic Brothel & Bud LightThe Colbert ReportS5
Tony Romo breaks up with Jessica Simpson, an Olympic hopeful opens a brothel, and Stephen loves the taste of Bud Light.
Reverse Racism - Geoffrey CanadaThe Colbert ReportS5
Geoffrey Canada can't find any area where white men are being disproportionately victimized.
Bob ParkThe Colbert ReportS5
Bob Park doesn't understand why humans need go to space when robots can do a better job.
Reverse RacismThe Colbert ReportS5
As a recent black man, Stephen looks forward to hearing President Obama's NAACP speech.
The Word - A Perfect WorldThe Colbert ReportS5
Investigating prisoner abuse will be a political food fight, and that is messier than torture.
Better Know a Lobby - AcornThe Colbert ReportS5
Acorn's chief community organizer, Bertha Lewis, needs to know the number of Stephen's sexual partners for her census form.
Sign Off - Stephen's ChipThe Colbert ReportS5
The opinions expressed tonight are exclusively Stephen's -- the chip in his head only makes suggestions.
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