The Colbert Report
Intro - 4/16/09
Season 5 • 04/16/2009
Stephen will finally be able to marry himself.
Obama Denies Habeas CorpusThe Colbert ReportS5
Barack Obama helps America escape from the Bill of Rights lovers who keep humping the leg of habeas corpus.
Homework AssignmentThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wants a summary of the show with special emphasis on theme and literary devices on his desk tomorrow morning.
Tax AtaxThe Colbert ReportS5
Glenn Beck holds his tea party in the only location that makes sense: the Alamo.
Intro - 4/15/09The Colbert ReportS5
It's tax day, or as many Americans call it, "Oh my God, it's 11:30."
Jim LehrerThe Colbert ReportS5
It takes real courage for Jim Lehrer to be boring five nights a week on television.
Indian Elections - Kanishk TharoorThe Colbert ReportS5
Kanishk Tharoor describes India's beautifully choreographed dance of democracy.
The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage AdThe Colbert ReportS5
There's a giant gay storm gathering, and before long the winds will be blowing each other.
Douglas KmiecThe Colbert ReportS5
Douglas Kmiec doesn't want the state to adopt any religion's perspective and impose it on Americans.
Teabagging ProtestsThe Colbert ReportS5
Perverts sully the patriotic act of a taxpayer rising up, standing over his government and delivering his opinion into the mouth of power.
Intro - 4/16/09The Colbert ReportS5
Gay marriage threatens New York. On the plus side, Stephen will finally be able to marry himself.
Joe ArpaioThe Colbert ReportS5
Sheriff Joe Arpaio denies that he focuses too much on illegal immigration.
Maersk Alabama - Ken QuinnThe Colbert ReportS5
Second Mate Ken Quinn and Stephen are returning to sea to hunt pirates in a two-man paddleboat.
Stephen's Only RegretsThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen's only regret is all the great stuff that was cut out because the audience wouldn't stop cheering.
Anger's AweighThe Colbert ReportS5
Granting vigilantes the right to shoot pirates on the high seas is the free market at its best.
Tip/Wag - Texas Secession & MACAThe Colbert ReportS5
Texas Governor Rick Perry wants to secede, and MACA urges the Obamas to use pesticides in their organic garden.
Intro - 4/20/09The Colbert ReportS5
How to deal with the scourge of piracy -- if only there were a form of transportation besides boats.
Castro Death Wish ListThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen wants to force feed Castro hot dogs and make him watch "This Week with George Stephanopoulos."
The Word - Stressed PositionThe Colbert ReportS5
Americans will get justice for torture without making any of the good guys pay the price.
George Will's Demon DenimThe Colbert ReportS5
George Will launches a righteous attack against Satan's denim leg tubes.
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