The Colbert Report
Intro - 4/16/09
Season 5 • 04/16/2009
Stephen will finally be able to marry himself.
The Colbert ReportS5 Obama Denies Habeas Corpus
Barack Obama helps America escape from the Bill of Rights lovers who keep humping the leg of habeas corpus.
The Colbert ReportS5 Homework Assignment
Stephen wants a summary of the show with special emphasis on theme and literary devices on his desk tomorrow morning.
The Colbert ReportS5 Tax Atax
Glenn Beck holds his tea party in the only location that makes sense: the Alamo.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 4/15/09
It's tax day, or as many Americans call it, "Oh my God, it's 11:30."
The Colbert ReportS5 Jim Lehrer
It takes real courage for Jim Lehrer to be boring five nights a week on television.
The Colbert ReportS5 Indian Elections - Kanishk Tharoor
Kanishk Tharoor describes India's beautifully choreographed dance of democracy.
The Colbert ReportS5 The Colbert Coalition's Anti-Gay Marriage Ad
There's a giant gay storm gathering, and before long the winds will be blowing each other.
The Colbert ReportS5 Douglas Kmiec
Douglas Kmiec doesn't want the state to adopt any religion's perspective and impose it on Americans.
The Colbert ReportS5 Teabagging Protests
Perverts sully the patriotic act of a taxpayer rising up, standing over his government and delivering his opinion into the mouth of power.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 4/16/09
Gay marriage threatens New York. On the plus side, Stephen will finally be able to marry himself.
The Colbert ReportS5 Joe Arpaio
Sheriff Joe Arpaio denies that he focuses too much on illegal immigration.
The Colbert ReportS5 Maersk Alabama - Ken Quinn
Second Mate Ken Quinn and Stephen are returning to sea to hunt pirates in a two-man paddleboat.
The Colbert ReportS5 Stephen's Only Regrets
Stephen's only regret is all the great stuff that was cut out because the audience wouldn't stop cheering.
The Colbert ReportS5 Anger's Aweigh
Granting vigilantes the right to shoot pirates on the high seas is the free market at its best.
The Colbert ReportS5 Tip/Wag - Texas Secession & MACA
Texas Governor Rick Perry wants to secede, and MACA urges the Obamas to use pesticides in their organic garden.
The Colbert ReportS5 Intro - 4/20/09
How to deal with the scourge of piracy -- if only there were a form of transportation besides boats.
The Colbert ReportS5 Castro Death Wish List
Stephen wants to force feed Castro hot dogs and make him watch "This Week with George Stephanopoulos."
The Colbert ReportS5 The Word - Stressed Position
Americans will get justice for torture without making any of the good guys pay the price.
The Colbert ReportS5 George Will's Demon Denim
George Will launches a righteous attack against Satan's denim leg tubes.
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