The Colbert Report
Holy Water Under the Bridge - Randall Balmer
Season 5 • 10/27/2009
Randall Balmer won't take Pope Benedict XVI up on his offer to join the Catholic Church.
Cornel WestThe Colbert ReportS5
Cornel West criticizes Barack Obama out of concern for the poor and working class people.
The Word - Don't Ask Don't TellThe Colbert ReportS5
The petition signers who want to overturn the "everything but marriage" bill should be able to stay in the closet that the gay people have abandoned.
Stephen's Sound Advice - How to Get a JobThe Colbert ReportS5
Once you get a job interview with Stephen's celebrity endorsement, you'll want to grow a mustache.
George Will's Long TieThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen has to restore balance to the universe after George Will starts wearing long ties.
Sign Off - Don't MoveThe Colbert ReportS5
Don't move so Stephen can always remember you staring at him.
Colbert Platinum - Harvard Billionaires & Red Diamond SUVThe Colbert ReportS5
Harvard produces the most billionaires, and a Russian car company releases a diamond-encrusted SUV with whale penis leather interior.
Sign Off - Goodnight?The Colbert ReportS5
Brian Cox will be on tomorrow, unless this is a rerun.
Intro - 10/27/09The Colbert ReportS5
The Catholic Church reaches out to former members, and Gail Collins talks about the modern American woman.
Gail CollinsThe Colbert ReportS5
Gail Collins describes the last 50 years of progress made by American women and the new issues they face today.
George W. Bush's Motivational SpeechThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen would have loved to attend George W. Bush's "Get Motivated" seminar, but he couldn't afford the $4.95 admission fee.
Holy Water Under the Bridge - Randall BalmerThe Colbert ReportS5
Randall Balmer refuses to join the Catholic Church because he's suspicious of any religious group that defines itself in negative terms.
Intro - 10/28/09The Colbert ReportS5
Stephen finds out what broke the largest particle accelerator and preps for his interview with Brian Cox by watching "Baby Einstein" tapes.
The Word - You-GenicsThe Colbert ReportS5
Your baby will never be denied health coverage for being too fat or too skinny if you mate with an insurance company CEO.
Joe Lieberman Is a True IndependentThe Colbert ReportS5
Joe Lieberman proves he's independent of his Connecticut constituents by opposing a public option in health care reform.
Sign Off - Future StephenThe Colbert ReportS5
Stephen will stick a fork into a toaster unless his future self comes back to stop him.
Brian CoxThe Colbert ReportS5
Physicist Brian Cox, one of People Magazine's Sexiest Men Alive, discusses relativity and scientific bollocks.
Big Bang TheoryThe Colbert ReportS5
Physicists theorize that the Large Hadron Collider is being sabotaged from the future.
USA Today Slams DirigiblesThe Colbert ReportS5
The USA Today smears the dirigible industry based on the technicality that the ships explode.
Sign Off - Thanks to Bill Simmons & Rosanne CashThe Colbert ReportS5
Put Rosanne Cash's new album on your list and drop some cash on it.
Bill SimmonsThe Colbert ReportS5
Bill Simmons believes Wilt Chamberlain was gay and compares Kobe Bryant to Teen Wolf.
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